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On our 1200 mile (one-way) trip back from the Rubicon, I became bored. Wifey and I were in separate rigs, and I was rawdogging the trip with no radio, podcasts, or entertainment of any kind. Just occasional phone calls from friends. Maybe three hours from home I interrupted the boredom by using the “talk” function with a glorified search engine to create the following list of what to expect from the owners of different brands of portals. Don’t worry-anyone with portals is obviously better than normies without portals, this is just further refinement of the owners and the stereotypes you might encounter.
1. Turn Off Road – The Cars & Coffee / “Portals Are Magic” Minimalist (with Temu Energy)
Archetype: You saw the clearance and influencer videos and thought “this is the one upgrade that changes everything,” and stopped there. Stock axles, stock suspension, and factory knuckles. Because the manufacturer spent millions on developing the platform so changing anything (besides adding portals, of course) just ruins everything. Any gear reduction beyond 11% is unnecessary because “drivability.” You genuinely believe portals alone unlock the platform’s potential. Cars & Coffee is your natural habitat. Your build also features a suspiciously high number of Temu-sourced accessories… On the trail, you think it’s perfectly normal to mention your newfound clearance after every small rock, disregarding the stock Wildtrak or Raptor that also cleared the same obstacles. “Dude, did you see how I cleared that rock? Portals, man! So much clearance!”
Final Vibes: Doesn’t understand how transmissions or gearing works but is convinced they cracked the code the rest of us missed. Likely says “spicy” way too often.
2. Tibus – The Helical Gear Purist / European Superiority Enthusiast
Archetype: You know straight-cut gears whine like a tractor on the highway and believe helical gears are superior in every civilized way—smoother, quieter, more refined. You want portal benefits without turning your daily driver into a noisy farm implement. You firmly believe European engineering is inherently superior in every category, and you definitely drive a BMW (or similar German sedan) like you own the left lane on the interstate, flashing lights and tailgating anyone doing the actual speed limit while muttering about “Amurrican” driving habits.
Final Vibes: Expect a lecture about helical gear superiority that conveniently ignores tangential and axial loads.
3. 74Weld – The “Serious Hardcore” Instagram Overlander / Bolt-On Cred Seeker (With a Reliability Asterisk)
Archetype: You want people to see the portals (and the rest of the bolt-ons) and immediately think “this guy wheels hard.” Reality: Most miles are scenic overlooks, perfectly composed photos, mild overland routes, or “next time we’ll hit the hard stuff.” You proudly cite the brand’s Ultra4 and Trophy Truck wins as proof of indestructibility. What you conveniently gloss over is that those are highly specialized race portals with completely different designs—they are essentially unrelated to the consumer street versions that have broken on several owners. And none of these race trucks are running bolt on portals on the rear axle. Branded items equal status, and you’ll likely have a gucci satchel that matches the louis vitton flipflops. (The only bourgeois items in the closet) But, like the beautiful billet portals with temu loctite, hastily fabricated steel shims for the brake brackets, and rubber brake lines, your build is quietly running the cheapest no-name stuff you can find on Amazon for anything people can’t see. The contrast is delightfully entertaining.
Final Vibes: Proficient with Photoshop to edit out the Subaru in the background of their photoshoots—and always ready with a Venti Starbucks cup for that perfect trail-cred aesthetic.
4. Portal Pros – The Robust, Serious Off-Roader (with rubber ducks on the dash)
Archetype: You want capable portals that work well and aren’t fastened to the axle with threads made of cheese. Practical, strong, not flashy for the sake of it. You own a Jeep (naturally) and frequently mention how often you hit the Rubicon Trail—positioning yourself as a true trail veteran who’s seen real rock. You wheel hard but even after rolling your rig you won’t talk about the COG hit associated with portals. Scrub radius from portals isn’t an issue because you can always just put taller tires on to reduce a calculated number on paper. Tire sweep when steering doesn’t exist. But either way, you have a Wrangler, so it’s no problem to throw a hydraulic assist on the rig.
Final Vibes: Nothing says “seasoned Rubicon veteran” like repeatedly dropping trail names while ignoring the geometry quirks that only seem to plague everyone else’s rigs.
5. Werewolf – The “Goes to War / Survive Dire Situations” Operator (With Ukrainian Logistics)
Archetype: Weight? Irrelevant. Daily manners? Nice-to-have. Distance from tire center to kingpin axis intersecting with the ground? All of it. You want portals built like they’re heading into actual combat or the gnarliest terrain imaginable. Clearance and durability above all. You’re optimizing the entire platform to run these portals not because you’re interested in suspension kinematics, but because you absolutely must due to the excessive weight of these things. You claim to not care about multi-month wait times or the fact that getting clear technical answers from customer support might require Google Translate to go from Ukrainian to English—that’s just part of the authentic, no-compromise experience. You work on your own stuff because getting these portals serviced at a shop isn’t an option. The convenience of modern o-ring seals is just one more thing to go wrong. RTV is a way of life and if it’s good enough for differentials it’s good enough for portals. You talk about how much stronger steel is over aluminum but then mention that the portals can be welded if needed. Kinda undermines the whole “indestructible war machine” vibe you’re going for. But really it doesn’t matter as you don’t actually carry a welder in the rig nor have the first clue what rods you’d even need for that cast material. Probably has way too many molle panels in the truck and at least one gun stashed away somewhere.
Final Vibes: They’re “prepared for anything” with a truck full of MOLLE panels, questionable RTV repairs, and at least one unsecured firearm ready for the apocalypse that never quite arrives on the trail. But they don’t have a socket big enough to separate the portal housing if needed on the trail.
1. Turn Off Road – The Cars & Coffee / “Portals Are Magic” Minimalist (with Temu Energy)
Archetype: You saw the clearance and influencer videos and thought “this is the one upgrade that changes everything,” and stopped there. Stock axles, stock suspension, and factory knuckles. Because the manufacturer spent millions on developing the platform so changing anything (besides adding portals, of course) just ruins everything. Any gear reduction beyond 11% is unnecessary because “drivability.” You genuinely believe portals alone unlock the platform’s potential. Cars & Coffee is your natural habitat. Your build also features a suspiciously high number of Temu-sourced accessories… On the trail, you think it’s perfectly normal to mention your newfound clearance after every small rock, disregarding the stock Wildtrak or Raptor that also cleared the same obstacles. “Dude, did you see how I cleared that rock? Portals, man! So much clearance!”
Final Vibes: Doesn’t understand how transmissions or gearing works but is convinced they cracked the code the rest of us missed. Likely says “spicy” way too often.
2. Tibus – The Helical Gear Purist / European Superiority Enthusiast
Archetype: You know straight-cut gears whine like a tractor on the highway and believe helical gears are superior in every civilized way—smoother, quieter, more refined. You want portal benefits without turning your daily driver into a noisy farm implement. You firmly believe European engineering is inherently superior in every category, and you definitely drive a BMW (or similar German sedan) like you own the left lane on the interstate, flashing lights and tailgating anyone doing the actual speed limit while muttering about “Amurrican” driving habits.
Final Vibes: Expect a lecture about helical gear superiority that conveniently ignores tangential and axial loads.
3. 74Weld – The “Serious Hardcore” Instagram Overlander / Bolt-On Cred Seeker (With a Reliability Asterisk)
Archetype: You want people to see the portals (and the rest of the bolt-ons) and immediately think “this guy wheels hard.” Reality: Most miles are scenic overlooks, perfectly composed photos, mild overland routes, or “next time we’ll hit the hard stuff.” You proudly cite the brand’s Ultra4 and Trophy Truck wins as proof of indestructibility. What you conveniently gloss over is that those are highly specialized race portals with completely different designs—they are essentially unrelated to the consumer street versions that have broken on several owners. And none of these race trucks are running bolt on portals on the rear axle. Branded items equal status, and you’ll likely have a gucci satchel that matches the louis vitton flipflops. (The only bourgeois items in the closet) But, like the beautiful billet portals with temu loctite, hastily fabricated steel shims for the brake brackets, and rubber brake lines, your build is quietly running the cheapest no-name stuff you can find on Amazon for anything people can’t see. The contrast is delightfully entertaining.
Final Vibes: Proficient with Photoshop to edit out the Subaru in the background of their photoshoots—and always ready with a Venti Starbucks cup for that perfect trail-cred aesthetic.
4. Portal Pros – The Robust, Serious Off-Roader (with rubber ducks on the dash)
Archetype: You want capable portals that work well and aren’t fastened to the axle with threads made of cheese. Practical, strong, not flashy for the sake of it. You own a Jeep (naturally) and frequently mention how often you hit the Rubicon Trail—positioning yourself as a true trail veteran who’s seen real rock. You wheel hard but even after rolling your rig you won’t talk about the COG hit associated with portals. Scrub radius from portals isn’t an issue because you can always just put taller tires on to reduce a calculated number on paper. Tire sweep when steering doesn’t exist. But either way, you have a Wrangler, so it’s no problem to throw a hydraulic assist on the rig.
Final Vibes: Nothing says “seasoned Rubicon veteran” like repeatedly dropping trail names while ignoring the geometry quirks that only seem to plague everyone else’s rigs.
5. Werewolf – The “Goes to War / Survive Dire Situations” Operator (With Ukrainian Logistics)
Archetype: Weight? Irrelevant. Daily manners? Nice-to-have. Distance from tire center to kingpin axis intersecting with the ground? All of it. You want portals built like they’re heading into actual combat or the gnarliest terrain imaginable. Clearance and durability above all. You’re optimizing the entire platform to run these portals not because you’re interested in suspension kinematics, but because you absolutely must due to the excessive weight of these things. You claim to not care about multi-month wait times or the fact that getting clear technical answers from customer support might require Google Translate to go from Ukrainian to English—that’s just part of the authentic, no-compromise experience. You work on your own stuff because getting these portals serviced at a shop isn’t an option. The convenience of modern o-ring seals is just one more thing to go wrong. RTV is a way of life and if it’s good enough for differentials it’s good enough for portals. You talk about how much stronger steel is over aluminum but then mention that the portals can be welded if needed. Kinda undermines the whole “indestructible war machine” vibe you’re going for. But really it doesn’t matter as you don’t actually carry a welder in the rig nor have the first clue what rods you’d even need for that cast material. Probably has way too many molle panels in the truck and at least one gun stashed away somewhere.
Final Vibes: They’re “prepared for anything” with a truck full of MOLLE panels, questionable RTV repairs, and at least one unsecured firearm ready for the apocalypse that never quite arrives on the trail. But they don’t have a socket big enough to separate the portal housing if needed on the trail.
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