Which Portals Are Right For You? (Satire)

[That Bronco Guy]

3. 74Weld – The “Serious Hardcore” Instagram Overlander / Bolt-On Cred Seeker (With a Reliability Asterisk)

Archetype: You want people to see the portals (and the rest of the bolt-ons) and immediately think “this guy wheels hard.” Reality: Most miles are scenic overlooks, perfectly composed photos, mild overland routes, or “next time we’ll hit the hard stuff.” You proudly cite the brand’s Ultra4 and Trophy Truck wins as proof of indestructibility. What you conveniently gloss over is that those are highly specialized race portals with completely different designs—they are essentially unrelated to the consumer street versions that have broken on several owners. And none of these race trucks are running bolt on portals on the rear axle. Branded items equal status, and you’ll likely have a gucci satchel that matches the louis vitton flipflops. (The only bourgeois items in the closet) But, like the beautiful billet portals with temu loctite, hastily fabricated steel shims for the brake brackets, and rubber brake lines, your build is quietly running the cheapest no-name stuff you can find on Amazon for anything people can’t see. The contrast is delightfully entertaining.

Final Vibes: Proficient with Photoshop to edit out the Subaru in the background of their photoshoots—and always ready with a Venti Starbucks cup for that perfect trail-

Excuse me???! it’s a Grande. I can’t handle a Venti, and you know this…


There was a tense moment this week I’ll have you know, when I overlanded to a new starbies I wasn’t familiar with that had a trail rating 1/10 according to onX.. I struck a curb in the drive through because my scrub radius is larger and that’s when my designer wallet almost fell out while I was reaching for my selfie stick but thankfully the race-proven reliability of the portals and lower crawl ratio carried me through the recovery and allowed me to continue on the road to my regular Starbucks I’m more familiar with.

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[SierraBronco]

Excuse me???! it’s a Grande. I can’t handle a Venti, and you know this…


There was a tense moment this week I’ll have you know, when I overlanded to a new starbies I wasn’t familiar with that had a trail rating 1/10 according to onX.. I struck a curb in the drive through because my scrub radius is larger and that’s when my designer wallet almost fell out while I was reaching for my selfie stick but thankfully the race-proven reliability of the portals and lower crawl ratio carried me through the recovery and allowed me to continue on the road to my regular Starbucks I’m more familiar with.

The hero we don’t deserve, but need. I hope in this moment of tribulation you were blessed with enough clarity to get a picture with said selfie stick in this unfamiliar and remote Starbucks?

 

[That Bronco Guy]

The hero we don’t deserve, but need. I hope in this moment of tribulation you were blessed with enough clarity to get a picture with said selfie stick in this unfamiliar and remote Starbucks?

battery was dead

 

[userdude]

As the resident “Portal Jesus” I’m glad I could help

You do have magic portals. Made of glass no less!

You did miss one (per Claude), the poseur, the wannabe, the forum wastrel:

Cart Abandon Customs – The Eternal Window Shopper / Forum Sage / Perpetual "When I Get Mine" Guy (Build Thread: 0% Complete)

Archetype: You've never actually bought a set of portals, but you've researched them harder than the engineers who designed them. Your Bronco is bone stock—factory axles, factory knuckles, factory everything—yet you've got 47 tabs open across every vendor and a shopping cart that's been full since 2022. You "follow" every build thread, type "in for info" on threads that already contain the info, and message vendors asking for a full kinematics breakdown, a custom quote, and a discount code—then ghost the instant they reply. You hold strong, load-bearing opinions about scrub radius and COG on products you have never physically touched, and you'll confidently correct an actual owner who's put 30k trail miles on theirs. Your purchase is eternally two weeks out: you're "waiting for the next sale," "waiting for v2," "waiting until after tax season," or "waiting to see how they hold up for everyone else first." On Marketplace you lowball a used set at half price, then follow up with "still available?" three separate times before vanishing forever. You've built the entire rig in a spreadsheet, savored the configurator like it's a video game, and you call all of this "doing your due diligence."

Final Vibes: Has test-fit every portal in existence—exclusively in their imagination—owns precisely none of them, and will explain to you at length, with hand-drawn diagrams, why the ones you actually bought and installed were the wrong call.

 

[PNW Paul]

Funniest thread I’ve seen in a while. . . Didn’t know WTF a “portal” was until picking up the Stroppe a few weeks ago….

Think we saw you guys last week between Arnold’s Rock and Buck Island Lake - - I was piloting a 1st Gen Explorer Sport on portals…, er, nope: a Dana 35 TTB.

Paul

 

[SierraBronco]

Funniest thread I’ve seen in a while. . . Didn’t know WTF a “portal” was until picking up the Stroppe a few weeks ago….

Think we saw you guys last week between Arnold’s Rock and Buck Island Lake - - I was piloting a 1st Gen Explorer Sport on portals…, er, nope: a Dana 35 TTB.

Paul

Haha! You drove by the broken huggy bronco and got rigging assistance from us?

 

[SierraBronco]

You do have magic portals. Made of glass no less!

You did miss one (per Claude), the poseur, the wannabe, the forum wastrel:

Cart Abandon Customs – The Eternal Window Shopper / Forum Sage / Perpetual "When I Get Mine" Guy (Build Thread: 0% Complete)

Archetype: You've never actually bought a set of portals, but you've researched them harder than the engineers who designed them. Your Bronco is bone stock—factory axles, factory knuckles, factory everything—yet you've got 47 tabs open across every vendor and a shopping cart that's been full since 2022. You "follow" every build thread, type "in for info" on threads that already contain the info, and message vendors asking for a full kinematics breakdown, a custom quote, and a discount code—then ghost the instant they reply. You hold strong, load-bearing opinions about scrub radius and COG on products you have never physically touched, and you'll confidently correct an actual owner who's put 30k trail miles on theirs. Your purchase is eternally two weeks out: you're "waiting for the next sale," "waiting for v2," "waiting until after tax season," or "waiting to see how they hold up for everyone else first." On Marketplace you lowball a used set at half price, then follow up with "still available?" three separate times before vanishing forever. You've built the entire rig in a spreadsheet, savored the configurator like it's a video game, and you call all of this "doing your due diligence."

Final Vibes: Has test-fit every portal in existence—exclusively in their imagination—owns precisely none of them, and will explain to you at length, with hand-drawn diagrams, why the ones you actually bought and installed were the wrong call.

Damnnnnnnnn.

 

[EvilJim1971]

Laughed out loud revisiting the profile and seeing that on there

I did get to take a Tibus portal off of the upright while on the trail a few days ago. Werewolf and Tibus both use a captured nut, but you can access the CV nut from the outside with Tibus whereas with WW you gotta split the housing. Which is annoying as hell.

Impressive axial articulation.

 

[SierraBronco]

You do have magic portals. Made of glass no less!

You did miss one (per Claude), the poseur, the wannabe, the forum wastrel:

Cart Abandon Customs – The Eternal Window Shopper / Forum Sage / Perpetual "When I Get Mine" Guy (Build Thread: 0% Complete)

Archetype: You've never actually bought a set of portals, but you've researched them harder than the engineers who designed them. Your Bronco is bone stock—factory axles, factory knuckles, factory everything—yet you've got 47 tabs open across every vendor and a shopping cart that's been full since 2022. You "follow" every build thread, type "in for info" on threads that already contain the info, and message vendors asking for a full kinematics breakdown, a custom quote, and a discount code—then ghost the instant they reply. You hold strong, load-bearing opinions about scrub radius and COG on products you have never physically touched, and you'll confidently correct an actual owner who's put 30k trail miles on theirs. Your purchase is eternally two weeks out: you're "waiting for the next sale," "waiting for v2," "waiting until after tax season," or "waiting to see how they hold up for everyone else first." On Marketplace you lowball a used set at half price, then follow up with "still available?" three separate times before vanishing forever. You've built the entire rig in a spreadsheet, savored the configurator like it's a video game, and you call all of this "doing your due diligence."

Final Vibes: Has test-fit every portal in existence—exclusively in their imagination—owns precisely none of them, and will explain to you at length, with hand-drawn diagrams, why the ones you actually bought and installed were the wrong call.

Wifey enjoyed this one. Said “there’s probably one of these guys for every aftermarket category”

 

[BearPatrol]

So like... can you put a portal on a portal?

 

[SierraBronco]

So like... can you put a portal on a portal?

So much status

 

[PNW Paul]

Haha! You drove by the broken huggy bronco and got rigging assistance from us?

That was us - - I strapped my buddy (and his G6 2 door Badlands/Squatch [no portals]lol) off a rock where you guys were parked….

Since I didn’t bring the brand new Stroppe on this run, said buddy wouldn’t show me the secret Bronco handshakes/ bona fides so we could stop and shoot the breeze. . .

Later at Buck Island Lake…

Sorry for the hi-jack, after a dozen+ trips to Moab, this was the first time through the Rubicon, pretty epic experience.

Paul

 

[contented]

Thanks to all. This thread brings a much needed smile. I check it several times each day.

 

[SierraBronco]

That was us - - I strapped my buddy (and his G6 2 door Badlands/Squatch [no portals]lol) off a rock where you guys were parked….

Since I didn’t bring the brand new Stroppe on this run, said buddy wouldn’t show me the secret Bronco handshakes/ bona fides so we could stop and shoot the breeze. . .

Later at Buck Island Lake…

Sorry for the hi-jack, after a dozen+ trips to Moab, this was the first time through the Rubicon, pretty epic experience.

Paul

When I saw that explorer the first thing I said to wifey was “I don’t even know what all is done to that but I fucking love it”

 

[Felix808]

Portals, so much clearance until you need to get it into the garage

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